Onwards

And not even two months after, I'm granted, gifted, blessed with the one thing I never thought I'd hold. Not in these arms.

I don't wanna let go.

Reminisce

I remember the last one and a half weeks of camp, when he had already left, and it felt like his absence was larger than his being. Like that space he left behind was larger than the sum of the parts he took with him.

And I used to turn the corners around buildings with the hope that maybe he'd left an important towel or shirt behind, and had inexplicably abandoned his flight to pick it up. He never was around the corner.

I remember having to play a sport all day, everyday, to keep my mind off him. It was like the only way to temporarily forget was to distract myself with physical stress. Both sucked. But I'd much rather feel my bones and muscles creak than have to stare at that large, empty space.

Months later, the ache came in waves, rather like my TMJD pain. I'd remember and forget and remember and forget. It was impossibly unbearable to remember, but I wanted to kill myself when I realized I forgot.

The passwords are still his name. So I never do really forget. Not as long as I use my PC.